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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England. After landing London, Air Force One taxies to a bright red carpet. The President exits the plane and strides down a long red carpet to join Queen Elizabeth II. Together they enter a beautiful, ornate, 17th century coach hitched to six enormous white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous cataclysmic passing of gas that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.
Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary has happened.
But the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what has just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
President Bush replies, "You Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought -- you know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses.
Placing his ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house, a young fireman rushed up the ladder and looked through the window. Inside was a beautiful brunette in a transparent nightgown. He grinned and told her, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant!" the woman exclaimed.
"You're also not rescued yet."
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student
"John" ,replied the man.
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,said the second man.
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles !"
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "“You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".
"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 180."
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
For once, an ETERNAL TRUTH...
Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...
Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile..
Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...
Sometimes you will fall
and no one sees you struggle...
Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you up...
Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...
But fart just one time....
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the next edition of Windows Operating System:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
11) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16) User Error: Replace user.
17) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18) Your hard drive has been scanned and all pirated software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a kind faced elderly woman opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside throwing cow manure all over her carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it."
She turns to him with a wink and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet!"
Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku... they would read like these:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working
'Windows' is like that only.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin.
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.Tomorrow's not
looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they
go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first
time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier.
10. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanutbutter!
11. Everybody is somebody else's wierdo.
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience!
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."
An exact replica of a supposedly actual letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college:
Dear Mom and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know ho much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. About my husband, I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am no engaged. There is no man in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Anyways this news is better than those above.
Your Loving Daughter.
Want to learn Chinese??
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
One day little Johnnie came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider. When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia."
Inventions That Didn't Succeed
The waterproof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
A book on how to read
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Waterproof tea bags
Random Thoughts:
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes, and if he's
angry he'll be barefoot and a mile away.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
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